“Marry your best friend. Someone who speaks highly of you. Someone you can laugh with. The kind of laughs that make your belly ache, and your nose snort. The embarrassing, earnest, healing kind of laughs. Life is too short not to love someone who lets you be a fool with them. Make sure they are somebody who lets you cry, too. Despair will come. Find someone that you want to be there with you through those times. Most importantly, marry the one that makes passion, love, and madness combine and course through you. A love that will never dilute – even when the waters get deep, and dark.” (Harley-Davidson)

A friend of mine who recently lost her best friend, soul-mate, lover, and husband to cancer, posted the above quote on her Facebook page. My heart goes out to her. She is a beautiful, healthy woman who will survive this greatest of all losses. But she hurts. She’s still a whole individual so she will not dissolve into nothingness from this blow, but her best friend is gone and she will always feel that pain.

I would like to add the following to the above quote my friend so graciously shared: “Someone who is proud of you; someone who admires the person you have become; someone who is honored to introduce you to family and friends; one who makes you feel special by opening doors for you and letting you go first. One who intertwines his fingers with yours and gently puts his hand on the small of your back. You should feel treasured by the way he looks into your eyes and listens with his heart.”

Small gestures speak the loudest; words mean nothing if not backed up by action.

We women need to pay attention to the intent of the heart and expect the best. From someone who’s been there and back, it simply is not worth it to settle for anything less.

Marriage can be God’s greatest gift or Hell’s worse nightmare. Choose wisely. Never let desperation be your guiding principle. Happiness lasts for a time, but regret lasts forever. Don’t gamble with your future. Bet on a sure thing. Watch for the signs and heed their wisdom.

While going through my last divorce, a friend of mine reminded me, “Well, it’s better to be lonely than to be lonely and miserable.” She was right. I was lonely. I missed being a couple. But I was often lonely in my marriage, as well. When we weren’t on the same page, when differences in values, priorities, and goals separated us, I felt alone even though my husband slept beside me.

The act of being married really doesn’t mean a whole lot.  I say this because simply being married doesn’t guarantee you anything – not love, not connection, not security, not joy, nothing.

Don’t get me wrong. I truly believe in the institution of marriage and would very much like to marry again. But the license itself does nothing to guarantee a good marriage. A good relationship, shared values, priorities, goals, and adventures, do. So, in my opinion, a healthy relationship shared by two whole individuals is the key to a good marriage.

A healthy relationship shared by two whole individuals is the key to a good marriage.

For those of you who think that just getting married is the answer to your lonely life, as I did, then please believe me when I say, it’s not marriage itself that will bring you joy, but who you marry and when and why. First things first.

First, get yourself into the healthiest, happiest, most whole version of yourself.

Today a friend shared this quote on Facebook:

  “I’m proud of the woman I am today because I went through one hell of a time becoming her.” (Life Learned Feelings) 

I can relate.

Secondly, look for a man who has done the same. (I’m primarily writing to women here, but the same principles apply to men.)

Thirdly, recognize desperation for what it is and don’t let it cloud reality.

Fourthly, be choosy. Not in an, “I want a 6-foot-tall, blond-haired, blue-eyed, Nascar driver,” but in an, “I want a man who values what’s important to me; I want someone who makes me laugh; I want a man who encourages me to follow my dreams; I want someone who I feel safe with.”

Add to the above list whatever is important to you, then look for a man who you can share that kind of relationship with.

So, where do you find this kind of relationship? I’m still working on that. I do know that the local bar is not a good place to find good husband material. Neither is your bff who’s never had a stable relationship in her life.

My expertise lies primarily in how to avoid the pitfalls of getting into the wrong relationship, not necessarily in how to find the right one. Sorry. My journey is not yet complete so I don’t have all the answers. I just wanted to share my experience with you in case there was common ground you could glean from, and hopefully, help you avoid the same mistakes I’ve made.

I’ll let you know in a future post when I get it right.

This past week my friend said to me, “I just want to make you happy.”

I didn’t know how to respond. I knew what he meant. We mean a lot to each other and it’s important to him that I’m happy. It was a sweet gesture and I appreciated it.

I also knew he couldn’t make me happy. No one can. It’s not his responsibility to make me happy. Only I can do that.

As I see it, this is the definition of a healthy relationship: I ask myself, “What am I passionate about? Where do I find joy? What brings meaning and purpose into my life?” Then I go out and do it. My friend should do the same. He should ask himself, “What am I passionate about? Where do I find joy? What brings meaning and purpose into my life?” And then he should go out and do it. Then possibly, as two fulfilled, joyful people, we could then share our lives with each other and be richer for it.

My therapist once explained a healthy relationship to me in this way. He said, “If two people are each lacking and incomplete, when the winds of adversity blow (and they will), neither one will be able to support their own weight, let alone the others, and they will crumble to the ground. If one person is stronger than the other, the weaker one will lean against the stronger one thus supporting himself, but putting undue stress on the stronger one. Without a counterbalance where two equals lean on each other, the couple will topple. If, however, two people are individually healthy and whole, then when the gale forces blow, the two leaning up against each other will provide the strength and fortitude necessary to withstand any storm. The two together will be much stronger than either one of them alone.”

A healthy relationship is not built on need but on fullness.

Last night I watched a movie where the hero and heroine were having this lovely romantic scene and the guy said, “I’m nothing without you.”

I almost laughed. Really?  I thought. Then why would she want to marry you? Who wants to be with a nothing? Be something. Be something she wants to marry, you doofus.

Truth is often wrapped in lies and this is never truer than with our society’s beliefs about love and marriage.

We have this idea that we are incomplete; we’re lacking; we aren’t whole; so we embark on a seemingly never-ending quest to find that special someone – the missing piece – “the one” who will complete us.

There is truth in this thinking. The Bible says three cords are stronger than one.

But there are inherent flaws with it, too. Yes, we should strive to be whole and complete, but another person will never do that for us; we need to do the work ourselves, for ourselves. Not to please someone else, but to bring joy and satisfaction and self-confidence to ourselves. In other words, to bless ourselves.

We all have an underlying desire to help others. The hero concept is embedded in our psyche. That’s why so many of us are either trying to rescue others or have others rescue us. We inherently recognize our need to be saved. But we go about it in an ineffective manner.

First of all, God, our creator, the creator of the universe, is the only one who can truly save us. So, He has to be the first one we turn to for guidance.

Secondly, we need to work on fixing ourselves, not others. We can only be a blessing to others after we are a blessing to ourselves. We get the proverbial cart before the horse. We go about doing good things in a backward manner and then wonder why we experience unfavorable results.

It starts with us. Do we recognize and honor God’s design and favor on us? Do we work with that design? Are we grateful for His favor?

If I was miraculously proposed to this coming week and we planned the wedding for six months from now, would that make me a different person from who I am today? Would being an engaged woman make me better? Would being a married woman make all my fears and insecurities flee?

I can honestly say, no, it would not change me. If I was proposed to today, I would still be the same person. I’d still have the same likes and dislikes, the same passions, the same fears, the same insecurities.

Sometimes people expect their circumstances to change before they do. “Once I get engaged, I’ll start working out,” or, “Once I’m married, I’ll stop cussing.” No, you won’t. If it’s not important enough today, it won’t be important enough tomorrow.

On the other hand, new information and insight can motivate us to change for the better. “Now that I understand what an impact what I eat has on my health, I am ready to make healthier choices,” or, “Wow. That cuss word coming out of my 3-year-old niece’s mouth didn’t sound nearly as cool as when I said it. I think I’ll give up cussing.” These are examples of growth and maturity and that’s what we should be doing all the time. But if we expect to change overnight once our circumstances change, we are deluding ourselves.

Our circumstances change when we do.

If we want changes in our lives, then we need to make them for ourselves. Once I am a healthy individual, then I am ready for that special someone who has also been working on himself.

We attract what we are.

We will never attract someone healthier than we are. Therefore we need to be what we want to have.

We need to be what we want to have.

Yesterday I re-posted this quote on my Facebook page:

“When God sends you the man you are called to be with … you will know. This man will speak to not your flesh, but your spirit. You will experience something with him that you have never experienced before. He will love you in ways that other men didn’t. Wait. It will be so worth it when you meet him.” (#NeverSettle)

I received several responses to my post, as I knew I would. This is a touchy subject. Not because we don’t believe true love exists, but because most of us have not experienced it. And we’re left wondering what’s wrong with us. Why do some women find it but we haven’t? Are we doing something wrong? Are there no good men left?

A long time ago I heard someone say, “Instead of asking ourselves, “What kind of man do I want?” we should be asking, “What kind of relationship do I want?'”

Well, I’ve always known what I wanted in a relationship. I had it once with a 16-year-old boy in my hometown, but those days are long gone and after graduation, I headed off to college in search of “The One.”

I chose a Christian college in another state and dated anyone who asked me out. I met a lot of really nice young men, but none of them felt right. I began to think that if I wanted to get married (which I really did!), then I was just going to have to pick one of them and hope that love would grow. That’s what was taught in the contemporary Christian circle I was a part of – you don’t fall in love, you grow in love. OK, I told myself. If that’s the way it’s done, then I’ll choose a good man and learn to grow in love with him.

I married him the summer following my sophomore year. We were good friends and I liked him and I respected him and he treated me well. When I questioned my parents and my friends concerning my doubts, they all pretty much said the same thing. “Well, you could do worse,” and “We don’t always get what we want.” Thanks a lot, I wanted to say. Such platitudes did little to alleviate my concerns.

The clincher was the day I went in and talked to one of my female professors. “I really like him, but I just don’t like him in that way,” I told her. She wholeheartedly agreed. “God just calls some of us women to be single,” she replied.

That was it. I was not going to be single! I went straight from her office and told this young man, who I had previously broken up with several times, that I wanted to get back together and get married.

Two enormous red flags jump out at me as I recall this point in my life. One, Why the heck did I go to a single, middle-aged woman to ask her opinion on love and marriage??? Secondly, What makes a man take a girl back who repeatedly breaks up with him because she just isn’t sure???

My third question is, Why are we so quick to ignore red flags? Everyone I talk to who has regrets says the same thing: “I saw the writing on the wall. I saw the red flag flying at full mast. But I wanted it to work out so badly that I chose to ignore the signs.”

I could be the poster child for ignoring red flags.

While I’m not discounting the fact that people can and do grow in love, I’m also not discounting that magical falling-in-love element, either. I think both brains and emotions need to be considered. I was following my brain to the exclusion of my heart because I was taught you couldn’t trust emotions.

Well, in my experience, you can’t always trust your brain, either. We need to listen to them both. If one or the other is screaming, Halt!, we’d best do so and consider why. When the brain and emotions align, then we’re probably on the right track.

Years after my marriage, my husband and I attended a famous Christian artist’s concert where he told the story of the first day he met his wife. He was walking down the studio hallway and saw her coming from the opposite direction. He took one look at her, said that’s the girl he was going to marry, and he did. That was years ago and to my knowledge, they still have a vibrant marriage.

When he said this, something within my soul yelled out, “I knew it! Everyone discounts love at first sight but I just knew it existed!” Well, for some people, at least. But I knew it was possible, despite all the naysayers. So, why didn’t I listen to my heart? Why didn’t I live according to what I believed was possible?

Because I was desperate. I was needy. I couldn’t imagine doing life on my own and I was so desperate to get married, I settled on what I could immediately get instead of waiting for what could have been.

Please understand what I am saying here. I am not in any way bashing my husband (well, ex-husband now). I didn’t settle in marrying him; I settled in marrying for the wrong reason at the wrong time.

If I had listened to my heart, which I believe the Holy Spirit speaks to me through, then I wouldn’t have been so afraid of what it was saying. I would have been willing to put off instant gratification in lieu of something much better.

But I was afraid to even listen to my heart because I knew what it was telling me and I didn’t want to hear it. I was 20 years old and I wanted to get married. Now!

After re-reading my post, I have to take a good hard look at myself. I believe in true love. But after two marriages and two divorces, I have to ask myself some pretty hard questions. How did I get from that 15-year-old girl who started out on the right track to the 60-year-old woman who still longs for a solid relationship?

Hopefully, I’ll get a clue between now and my next post.