Yesterday I re-posted this quote on my Facebook page:

“When God sends you the man you are called to be with … you will know. This man will speak to not your flesh, but your spirit. You will experience something with him that you have never experienced before. He will love you in ways that other men didn’t. Wait. It will be so worth it when you meet him.” (#NeverSettle)

I received several responses to my post, as I knew I would. This is a touchy subject. Not because we don’t believe true love exists, but because most of us have not experienced it. And we’re left wondering what’s wrong with us. Why do some women find it but we haven’t? Are we doing something wrong? Are there no good men left?

A long time ago I heard someone say, “Instead of asking ourselves, “What kind of man do I want?” we should be asking, “What kind of relationship do I want?'”

Well, I’ve always known what I wanted in a relationship. I had it once with a 16-year-old boy in my hometown, but those days are long gone and after graduation, I headed off to college in search of “The One.”

I chose a Christian college in another state and dated anyone who asked me out. I met a lot of really nice young men, but none of them felt right. I began to think that if I wanted to get married (which I really did!), then I was just going to have to pick one of them and hope that love would grow. That’s what was taught in the contemporary Christian circle I was a part of – you don’t fall in love, you grow in love. OK, I told myself. If that’s the way it’s done, then I’ll choose a good man and learn to grow in love with him.

I married him the summer following my sophomore year. We were good friends and I liked him and I respected him and he treated me well. When I questioned my parents and my friends concerning my doubts, they all pretty much said the same thing. “Well, you could do worse,” and “We don’t always get what we want.” Thanks a lot, I wanted to say. Such platitudes did little to alleviate my concerns.

The clincher was the day I went in and talked to one of my female professors. “I really like him, but I just don’t like him in that way,” I told her. She wholeheartedly agreed. “God just calls some of us women to be single,” she replied.

That was it. I was not going to be single! I went straight from her office and told this young man, who I had previously broken up with several times, that I wanted to get back together and get married.

Two enormous red flags jump out at me as I recall this point in my life. One, Why the heck did I go to a single, middle-aged woman to ask her opinion on love and marriage??? Secondly, What makes a man take a girl back who repeatedly breaks up with him because she just isn’t sure???

My third question is, Why are we so quick to ignore red flags? Everyone I talk to who has regrets says the same thing: “I saw the writing on the wall. I saw the red flag flying at full mast. But I wanted it to work out so badly that I chose to ignore the signs.”

I could be the poster child for ignoring red flags.

While I’m not discounting the fact that people can and do grow in love, I’m also not discounting that magical falling-in-love element, either. I think both brains and emotions need to be considered. I was following my brain to the exclusion of my heart because I was taught you couldn’t trust emotions.

Well, in my experience, you can’t always trust your brain, either. We need to listen to them both. If one or the other is screaming, Halt!, we’d best do so and consider why. When the brain and emotions align, then we’re probably on the right track.

Years after my marriage, my husband and I attended a famous Christian artist’s concert where he told the story of the first day he met his wife. He was walking down the studio hallway and saw her coming from the opposite direction. He took one look at her, said that’s the girl he was going to marry, and he did. That was years ago and to my knowledge, they still have a vibrant marriage.

When he said this, something within my soul yelled out, “I knew it! Everyone discounts love at first sight but I just knew it existed!” Well, for some people, at least. But I knew it was possible, despite all the naysayers. So, why didn’t I listen to my heart? Why didn’t I live according to what I believed was possible?

Because I was desperate. I was needy. I couldn’t imagine doing life on my own and I was so desperate to get married, I settled on what I could immediately get instead of waiting for what could have been.

Please understand what I am saying here. I am not in any way bashing my husband (well, ex-husband now). I didn’t settle in marrying him; I settled in marrying for the wrong reason at the wrong time.

If I had listened to my heart, which I believe the Holy Spirit speaks to me through, then I wouldn’t have been so afraid of what it was saying. I would have been willing to put off instant gratification in lieu of something much better.

But I was afraid to even listen to my heart because I knew what it was telling me and I didn’t want to hear it. I was 20 years old and I wanted to get married. Now!

After re-reading my post, I have to take a good hard look at myself. I believe in true love. But after two marriages and two divorces, I have to ask myself some pretty hard questions. How did I get from that 15-year-old girl who started out on the right track to the 60-year-old woman who still longs for a solid relationship?

Hopefully, I’ll get a clue between now and my next post.