This past week my friend said to me, “I just want to make you happy.”

I didn’t know how to respond. I knew what he meant. We mean a lot to each other and it’s important to him that I’m happy. It was a sweet gesture and I appreciated it.

I also knew he couldn’t make me happy. No one can. It’s not his responsibility to make me happy. Only I can do that.

As I see it, this is the definition of a healthy relationship: I ask myself, “What am I passionate about? Where do I find joy? What brings meaning and purpose into my life?” Then I go out and do it. My friend should do the same. He should ask himself, “What am I passionate about? Where do I find joy? What brings meaning and purpose into my life?” And then he should go out and do it. Then possibly, as two fulfilled, joyful people, we could then share our lives with each other and be richer for it.

My therapist once explained a healthy relationship to me in this way. He said, “If two people are each lacking and incomplete, when the winds of adversity blow (and they will), neither one will be able to support their own weight, let alone the others, and they will crumble to the ground. If one person is stronger than the other, the weaker one will lean against the stronger one thus supporting himself, but putting undue stress on the stronger one. Without a counterbalance where two equals lean on each other, the couple will topple. If, however, two people are individually healthy and whole, then when the gale forces blow, the two leaning up against each other will provide the strength and fortitude necessary to withstand any storm. The two together will be much stronger than either one of them alone.”

A healthy relationship is not built on need but on fullness.

Last night I watched a movie where the hero and heroine were having this lovely romantic scene and the guy said, “I’m nothing without you.”

I almost laughed. Really?  I thought. Then why would she want to marry you? Who wants to be with a nothing? Be something. Be something she wants to marry, you doofus.

Truth is often wrapped in lies and this is never truer than with our society’s beliefs about love and marriage.

We have this idea that we are incomplete; we’re lacking; we aren’t whole; so we embark on a seemingly never-ending quest to find that special someone – the missing piece – “the one” who will complete us.

There is truth in this thinking. The Bible says three cords are stronger than one.

But there are inherent flaws with it, too. Yes, we should strive to be whole and complete, but another person will never do that for us; we need to do the work ourselves, for ourselves. Not to please someone else, but to bring joy and satisfaction and self-confidence to ourselves. In other words, to bless ourselves.

We all have an underlying desire to help others. The hero concept is embedded in our psyche. That’s why so many of us are either trying to rescue others or have others rescue us. We inherently recognize our need to be saved. But we go about it in an ineffective manner.

First of all, God, our creator, the creator of the universe, is the only one who can truly save us. So, He has to be the first one we turn to for guidance.

Secondly, we need to work on fixing ourselves, not others. We can only be a blessing to others after we are a blessing to ourselves. We get the proverbial cart before the horse. We go about doing good things in a backward manner and then wonder why we experience unfavorable results.

It starts with us. Do we recognize and honor God’s design and favor on us? Do we work with that design? Are we grateful for His favor?

If I was miraculously proposed to this coming week and we planned the wedding for six months from now, would that make me a different person from who I am today? Would being an engaged woman make me better? Would being a married woman make all my fears and insecurities flee?

I can honestly say, no, it would not change me. If I was proposed to today, I would still be the same person. I’d still have the same likes and dislikes, the same passions, the same fears, the same insecurities.

Sometimes people expect their circumstances to change before they do. “Once I get engaged, I’ll start working out,” or, “Once I’m married, I’ll stop cussing.” No, you won’t. If it’s not important enough today, it won’t be important enough tomorrow.

On the other hand, new information and insight can motivate us to change for the better. “Now that I understand what an impact what I eat has on my health, I am ready to make healthier choices,” or, “Wow. That cuss word coming out of my 3-year-old niece’s mouth didn’t sound nearly as cool as when I said it. I think I’ll give up cussing.” These are examples of growth and maturity and that’s what we should be doing all the time. But if we expect to change overnight once our circumstances change, we are deluding ourselves.

Our circumstances change when we do.

If we want changes in our lives, then we need to make them for ourselves. Once I am a healthy individual, then I am ready for that special someone who has also been working on himself.

We attract what we are.

We will never attract someone healthier than we are. Therefore we need to be what we want to have.

We need to be what we want to have.